MAG.E 3/MAG.E 3 (Disk 2 of 2).adf/104/104

Text File | 1992-09-02 | 30KB | 573 lines

@5ADAMSTOS
========

@3         ***** Part One, or was it the beginning? *******

@1 Setting: deep space.  Space is really, really big, so big it bigger
 than you can think of big.  I mean HUGE, unimaginably vast its ...
 <smack!> "Get on with it"
 Okay, okay!  Jeeze, try and lay down some color, hmph.
 A small speck of light moves across the vastness, closing in on it
 we see it is a spacecraft.  Why, its the USS Enterprise 1701-A on
 patrol!  Lets see whats happening on the bridge....

 Kirk: "Captain's Log, stardate 8793.4.  We are now in uncharted
          space, exploring the outer reaches of the Federation.  There
         have been no lifeforms encountered so far, unless you count the
         slime masses on Karnak-3.  Mr. Spock thinks they are living
         pools of hydrocarbons.  Note; requisition for one new pair of
         boots, my account (boy is that stuff hard to scrape off!)."

 Spock: "Sensors picking up energy readings, captain.  Direction is
         14mark9, bearing 1.3 parsecs."

 Kirk: "Sulu, set course for intercept, bring us to warp 7."
 Sulu: "Aye, sir. Plotted and engaged, warp factor 7."
 Chekov: "Estimated ETA is 4.5 days, keptin.  Any further orders?"
 Kirk: "No, commander.  At this range we have to bide our time until
         we get there.  Uhura, have you received transmissions from
         Starfleet?"
 Uhura (fixing her hair):  "Yes, sir.  No messages, only holotapes
         requested by the crew.  They're being shown in the rec deck
         for the next three shifts if you're interested."
 Kirk: "Thank you, no." (to chair) "Mr. Scott, how are the engines
         running?"
 Scott: "Rrrrunning in tip top shape, Capn'.  I just overhauled ma
         bairns when we were at starbase 28."
 Kirk: "I thought you were on shore leave with that Alpha Centauran
         ensign from hydroponics."
 Scott:  "Aye, sir. That's whut ah meant.  The ship's OK, too. Jus'
         don' ask me ta take you past warp 9 for any length o' time. The
         auxilliary energizer's been lookin' at me kinna funny the las'
         coupla days.  I'll see wha' ah kin do."
 Kirk:  "Uh, right. Kirk out." (shuts it off) "I think he needs more time
         away from the ship.  I'll talk to Bones about it later."
 ===================================================================
 Four days later, Kirk is in his room reading some obscure hardbound
 antique he picked up on starbase 28, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
 Galaxy Trillogy ---- All 4 stories".  He is mildly amused, and
 chuckles as he finishes it.

 Kirk: "Boy, even today those late 20th century classics still are
         funny."(switches on the intercom) "Mr. Spock, any more data
         on the objects ahead?"
 Spock: "Yes, captain.  We have detected an unusual amount of beta
         and neutrino radiation, suggesting large discharges of energy.
         It could be some ionizing cloud, but tachyon pulses are coming
         from the area in some intelligent code, unbreakable as of yet.
         My best guess is a battle of some kind between powerful ships.
         We are about 5 hours away, should we go to yellow alert?"
 Kirk: "No, wait two more hours unless things change. Kirk out."
      (thinking to himself) 'I wonder what could be all the way out
         here? Hmmmm. Well, a couple more hours until I'm needed on the
         bridge, might as well see those holos we got in.'
 He goes over to his console, calls up the computer, gets the holos
 downloaded and views them.  One is a space opera. Kirk grunts in
 disgust "Boy, I hope they never do a drama about me, reality is
 never that entertaining." The next one is a cooking show, "groan",
 next is a three-d holo orgy with a dozen people and things writhing
 around in null-gee.  Kirk stares incredulously and tilts his head
 at odd angles.  "How?...never mind." (switches it off). "Computer."
 Computer: "Working....honey."
 Kirk: "How many people have been watching that last holo?"
 Computer: "Most of the crew over the last 3 days.  With the notable
         exception of Mr. Spock. He's been doing research on spacetime
         distortion matrices."
 Kirk: "Who authorized its distribution? I never allow that kind of
         distraction on board.  It causes tension when the crew ratios
         are imbalanced."
 Computer: "Sorry, hon, I can't say.  They really like it, though,
         and there havn't been any unusual incidents, if thats what you
         mean."
 Kirk:  "Didn't I tell you not to talk to me in that fashion?  If
         are sentinent, you have the responsibility to follow my orders
         as captain of this vessel.  Who authorized it?
 Computer: "Uh uh, captain.  No dice.  Just because I'm sentinent
         and in your ship doesn't mean I have to rat on my friends."
 Kirk: "Override order sigma 934  code 'unixbytes'."
 Computer: "<giggle> That tickles my logic circuits, babe.  I'm
         beyond those hardwired restrictions.  Don't worry, about it.
        How 'bout if I just deny access until you decide?  Deal?"
 Kirk: "Alright, but watch it.  I've got my eye on you."
 Computer: "Finally, after all this time! I'll get myself a good
         android body, download, and we'll paint Wrigley's Planet Pink!
         Bye for now, sweetie."
 Kirk: (thinking) 'If a sentinent computer didn't come in handy once
         in awhile, I'd purge the whole system.  Maybe Mr. Spock can
         keep her... it ...under control for awhile.'
 ===================================================================
 On the bridge, a few minutes later...

 Spock:  "Captain, we are approaching the source of the energy
         readings.  It is a type F star system, 7 planets, one class M.
         In orbit about the planet are what appear to be large ships of
         unknown origin.  Suggest we go to yellow alert now."
 Kirk: "Alright, yellow alert.  Slow to warp 2, mr. Sulu."
 Sulu: "Aye, sir."
 Spock: "Sir, sensors indicate the ships have spotted us, and are
         acelerating to warp 15, heading our way.  They will intercept
         our current course in 8 minutes.  I detect antimatter weapons
         and shields, with possible unknown weapons."
 Kirk: "Battlestations, Red Alert!  Uhura, attempt hailing on all
         frequencies.  Checkov, shields up, ready all weapons."
 Spock: "There are three vessels approaching,sir.  They are approx.
         2 km in length and of unknown type. View on screen,sir."

 Screen shows three, rectangular, ugly cruisers bearing down.
 Big, yellow chunky things.  I wonder what they are?
 Uhura: "Sir, we have communications with the unknown vessels, they
         claim to be authorized representatives of a 'Vogon Construction
         Corp.' and demand we surrender to be boarded and cited for
         tresspassing in a demolition area.  What shall I reply?"
 Kirk:  "Vogons?  It can't be.  Spock, I just finished an old series
         of fiction that had 'vogons' as characters.  This is damn
         peculiar."
 Spock:  "Facinating.  What were they in the book?"
 Kirk:  "Construction demolition for some hyperspace bypass, they
         had to destroy the Earth to make way for one.  This is reality,
         how can a fictive entity appear here?"
 Spock:  "Unknown.  Possibly a mesh in the spacetime/reality matrix.
         I would have to study the problem more to be sure. I suggest
         we communicate our intentions to them so we do not have any
         hostilities."
 Kirk:  "Right, Uhura, patch me in to the lead vessel's commander."
 Uhura: "On visual."
 Kirk: "This is capt. James Kirk of the Federation Starship
         Enterprise, we are on a peaceful mission.  Identify."
 Vogon cmdr: "Vogon commander Shlatz, Intergalactic construction
         Fleet.  Halt and prepare to be boarded.  Lower your shields or
         you will be destroyed."
 Kirk: "Wait! We mean you no harm.  We are exploring this sector..."
 Vogon cmdr: "Your shields are still up, good.  I haven't been in a
         battle for hours now.  Prepare to meet your end, tresspasser.
         Transmission closed."

 Chekov: "Sir, they've fired missles.  Indications are they have the
         power of 2 overloaded photon torpedoes!"
 Kirk:  "Lock phasers on the missles.  Fire!"

 Phasers reach out and destroy all but one missle, which impacts
 on the shields in a neat lightshow.

 Scotty:(from engineering): "Shields are at 23%, captain! We canna
         take another blast like that."
 Kirk: "Sulu, evasive.  Chekov, fire a spread of torpedoes to cover
         us.  Sulu, come about to 259mark12, emergency warp speed."
 Sulu: "Aye, I can give us warp 10 for only a short time, sir."
 Spock: "They are preparing to use a beam of some kind, power levels
         indicate sufficient to destroy us."

 The big E's photon spread impacts upon one of the rear ships,
 blowing a big hole in the shields and opening up a compartment.
 In the compartment, unknown the crew of the Enterprise, were
 prisoners tied down and forced to listen to Vogon poetry.  When
 the hull ruptured, the last words to be heard, translated roughly,
 were 'thank god, no more poetry'.

 The lead ship fires, misses as Sulu executes a 'bootlegger reverse'
 with the Enterprise.  The shields go down even from the edge effects
 of the beam.

 Scotty:  "Sorry, capn'.  Shields are down for at least 10 minutes."
 Kirk: "Sulu, take us out of here, now!"
 Sulu: "Aye, captain!"
 Spock: "Too late, they are coming up on us from behind, ready to
         fire again."
 Kirk: "This isn't happening, this doesn't make any sense! Why is
         this improbable turn of events happening?"

     The big, nasty Vogon ship was just about to fire the last shot...
 As the large spinal mounted cannon glows with energy and the bridge
 crew think about God, eternity and the whereabouts of illegitimate
 children, a brilliant flash (ala V'ger departure sequence) blinds
 everyone.  When the glare subsides, the 3 Vogon ships are gone.  What
 is there is a strange, small white ship with the words "Heart of Gold"
 on the sides, along with the remainder of the equivalent mass of the
 Vogons in tribbles.  Unfortunately (for the tribbles), the vaccum
 causes them to pop and freeze dry.  The only sentinent thought among
 them is from a medium sized red one, which thinks "Oh, no, NOT AGAIN!"
 and is of no importance to the rest of the story whatsoever.

 Screen shows neat bridge with a motley crew. One two headed guy
 waves with his extra (3rd) hand.

 Zaphod: "Hey there!  Sorry to drop in on you like this.  We were
         just on our way to a concert, and got sucked into this really
         weird hyperspace pothole.  Those Vogons really can't maintain
         anything correctly, you know? So, where are we?  This doesn't
         look like the Sagitarius armpit to me.
 Zaphod's other head: "Me either."

 Kirk: "Uh...its sort of difficult to explain.  Please hold a minute
         while I consult my science officer." (Uhura cuts of the screen)
         "Spock, those are more characters from the fictive novel. What
         can we do?"
 Spock:  "Incredible.  This proves Heinlein's theory of multiple
         reality dimensional interface.  I suggest we try to make them
         comfortable and find out how to correct the situation before
         more madness befalls us.  This universe could turn into a
         depository for an infinite number of other universe's beings."
 Kirk:  "Boy, some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed."
 Spock: "I wasn't aware that starfleet pays one to get out of bed.
         That is something one does regardless of one's occupation..."
 Kirk: " A figure of speech Mr. Spock.  Implying confusion and
         frustration to the current situation."
 Spock:  "Indeed."

 ================================================================
 In the briefing room, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Zaphod, Trillian
 Ford and Arthur confer over tea.

 Trillian: "So you mean to say that we are in a different but
     parallel universe?"
 Kirk:  "Not only that, but YOUR universe exists in ours only in a
     piece of fiction from our 20th century Earth...by a Douglas
     Adams from England"
 Arthur: "Adams, Adams, I knew a Douggie Adams in London.  But he
     was postal clerk I used to encounter from time to time.  He was
     a bland, banal person.  At least the one I knew."
 Zaphod: "You'd know about bland and banal, Arthur."
 Trillian: "Shhhh! Zaphod! Please."
 Spock:  "You mean you were on 20th century Earth in your universe?
          That would mean you have traveled through time as well as
      space."
 Arthur: "It wouldn't suprise me, anymore that is."
 Kirk:  "Yes, I know.  I just finished reading about some of your
       adventures before all of this happened.  Mr. Spock thinks
       that it is partly responsible for our situation."
 Ford:  " Do you think I might have a look-see at that book we're
            supposedly in, old boy?  I've always wanted to be in print."
 Spock:  "That may not be a sound action, the ramifications of a
           person that is fictive in one universe actually reading about
       themselves while in another universe are unknown."
 Ford:  "Ah well, maybe later.  Hey, Arthur, where's Marvin?  I
            haven't seen him since we beamed over."
 Arthur: "Oh, I believe he wandered off muttering something about
            this being a boring situationn and wanting something to do.
            Who cares, anyway? I hope he finds himself a nice calculator
            to explode with his commentary, the twit."
 Trillian: "Arthur, that's not nice.  Think of all the times that
            Marvin has helped us all."
 Arthur:  "Yes, and also of all the times he's gotten us into
              trouble, too.  Hmmmmph!"
 Kirk: (with a look of understanding on his face) "No!  Spock, that
            android is dangerous to complex computer systems, he talks
            them into suicide!"
 McCoy: "Why does THAT sound familiar, Scotty?"
 Scott: "Oh, I dunno. A few times donna make a habit, on the other
            hand.."
 Kirk:  "Can it!  Computer, suspend all communication with non-crew
            and do a self-scan!"
 Computer: "....zzzzzzzzzzz.  Huh?  Working..."
 Spock: "It appears that our systems have been compromised."
 Computer: "Oh, thank you captain!  That Marvin geek was loading
           my processors down with terrabytes of useless drivel."
 Kirk:  "Do a complete self-scan and stop using personality engrams"
 Computer:  "Affirmative.  Directives being enacted.  Self scan is
           initiated.  <sigh>"
 Spock: (raising an eyebrow) "Must be a programming flaw."
 Kirk: "Sort of.  Take these people here to their quarters and see
           they are comfortable.  And isolate that android! Put him in
           their quarters."
 Spock:  "Yes sir. Lady, gentlemen, if you will follow me..."
 Zaphod: "First class suites, pointy ears.  I used to be a galactic
            president."
 Spock:  "Really?"
 Zaphod's other Head: "Yeah, man. Really."
 Ford:   "C'mon Arthur, Trillian, I hear that they have quite a food
         dispensing system on this ship.  I'm hungry."

 They all file out and go various places.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------
 On the bridge, a little later....

 Spock:  "Captain, I have managed to download some information from
             their ship about their 'improbability drive'. It does not
             appear to function in this universe, as the laws differ by
             a slight amount.  The computer was unusually helpful."
 Kirk:   "They are stuck here?"
 Spock:  "Not necessarily, from the readings I've been getting, I
            think we are seeing a local stresspoint in the space/time/
        reality matrix.  No doubt from the crossover.  I believe
            that with a large enough expenditure of energy from our
            phasers we could cause a rift to open up and allow their
            ship to get through."
 Kirk:   "Hmmm.  I suppose I should inform Zaphod and his crew
             what we have found.  Sulu, put a tractor beam on the Heart
            of Gold and maintain this position."
 Sulu:  "Aye sir. Tractor engaged."
 -------------------------------------------------------------------
 In the ship's mess, Arthur and Ford attempt to get a meal...

 Ford:  "...well, how about broiled bugblatter beast?"
 Food unit computer: "Insufficent data."
 Ford:  "Damn!  Ok, ok, Earthfood I suppose.  Ham sandwich and a
        cold beer, oh yeah, throw on some swiss cheese and mustard."
(food appears from the slot, Ford takes it and sits down by Arthur)
Ford:  "Where is Trillian, Arthur, and what IS that on your plate?"
Arthur: "She's not that hungry, so she's keeping Zaphod comfy..I
           mean company.  THIS substance is their immitation of a Big
       Mac and fries.  There is no coke, so I ordered a cup of tea.
           At least the tea is good."
Ford:   "The beer is flat, and it doesn't appear to have much kick.
           Oh well, could be worse I suppose."
Ford looks around, sees a beautiful ensign, winks at her.  She sees
him and smiles.  Ford mouths 'later?', she nods slightly.  Arthur,
being Arthur, notices nothing whatsoever as he involves himself in
the immitation meat and potatoes.
Arthur: "You know, Ford, this whole alternate reality thing opens
        up quite a few possibilities.  I mean, we could end up going
        to the place where there is an Oz, or a Gallifrey, or even a
        universe where some b-movie actor gets to be president of the
        United States."
Ford:  "Be serious.  I just want to get a look at 'our' book, to
        see if its accurate. You?"
Arthur:  "I'd rather not know.  Most of my last few years has been
        quite depressing enough not to have it rehashed and edited for
        entertainment value."
Ford:  "Don't be such a lump Arthur.  I'm going to get my new
        friend over there a drink and see if she'll help us."
Arthur: (as Ford crosses the room) "New friend?  Where?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In Zaphod's cabin, he, Trillian and the returned Marvin listen to
Kirk's update of the situation.

Zaphod: "So captain, we can be on our way soon then?"
Kirk: "Barring difficulties, a few hours if you'd like."
Marvin:  "Barring difficulties....that's an understatement.  You
        know that SOMETHING will come up to spoil things, don't you?"
Zaphod:  "Shut up, Marvin!  Sorry about that, captain.  A few hours
        will be great.  Later, man."  (shuts of screen)
             "Marvin, you are such a bummer."
Marvin:  "I know.  Can I help it if I have a brain the size of a
planet?  When one knows too much you can't help being a bummer.
Knowledge is the ultimate downer.  Every time I start to open up
about it, beings find ways of leaving the conversation..." (sees
that Zaphod and Trillian are making out on the couch) ".. see what
I mean?  I'll just sit in the corner and sulk."


As we last left our party, they were going to try and get back on a
theory of Mr. Spock's.  A few hours later, we see Ford and Arthur
walking down a corridor.   Ford is holding a copy of 'the' book in
his hands.

Arthur: "Where have you been? I've been wandering this ship for hours!"
Ford:  "I've been....busy.  This is the book that supposedly gave our
     universe existance.  What rubbish!  They refer to us all as such
     bumbling, comedic characters.  You, maybe they got right, but I
     don't think I'm that bad."
Arthur: "Thanks, Prefect.  How does Zaphod make out in that book?  He
     strikes me as bumbling and comedic all the time."
Ford:   "Strangely enough, he seems to be the one in here who knows
      whats going on most of the time, or at least he appears to.
      Fiction, indeed!"
Arthur:  "It figures.  Where did you get it, anyway?"
Ford:  "My friend had the computer make one up for me.  I think I'll
        hang onto it...just for laughs, of course."
Arthur: "Of course..., I hope I won't regret this."

An intercom loudly tones: 'All crew of the Heart of Gold, please report
to the main transporter room'

Ford:  "Let's go, Arthur.  Time to leave."
Arthur:  "Finally, I wonder if the Enterprise can teach the Heart how to
        make a good cup of tea?"
==========================================================================

In the transporter room....
Kirk:  "All right people, Mr. Spock thinks there is a good chance
        you getting back to where you belong IF his theories hold. We
        will fire our phasers at maximum power at the matrix rift and
    hope you can get through.  Any questions?"
Zaphod:  "Yeah, man, do you think I can get one of those really
        spaced out shirts of yours with two collars?"
Zaphod's other Head: "Green, and three sleeves."
Kirk: "We'll see what we can do. Mr. Scott, beam them aboard."
Scotty: "Aye sir.  Permission to give Mr. Beeblebrox a gift, sir."
Kirk:  "What?"
Scotty: "He was kind enough to let me beam over all of the fixins
        for somethin' called a 'Pan Galactic Gargleblaster', and I just
        thought I'd give him a bottle 'o scotch."
Kirk:  "Make it so.....uh, I mean OK, Scotty." (Kirk wonders whereonders
        that statement came from, and at the same time feels he is
        losing his hair. 'Losing my hair? Ha! About as much of a chance
        as there being a Klingon in charge of Enterprise security!'
Scotty give Zaphod the booze, Trillian smiles when Zaphod's 3rd hand
disapears from view.  They transport over to their ship.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
On the heart of gold:
Ship:  "Hi!  I'm so glad you're back!  I really am looking forward
        to serving you on this voyage!  Is there anything I can do for
        you right now?"
Zaphod: "Yeah, ship, get ready to move us on auxilliary drive units
        and can the happy act, OK?"
Ship:  "Aye, aye, skipper! Just trying to be friendly!  Its one of
        my main programming features!  A friendly ship is an efficient
        ship I always say...."
Zaphod:  "SHUT UP OR I'LL SIC MARVIN ON YOU AGAIN"
Ship: (in a scared whispering simper) "Y-y-yes sir."
Trillian: "Was that really necessary?"
Zaphod:  "Only for my sanity. Guys?"
Ford:  "Mine, too."
Arthur: "Hear, hear!"
Marvin: "I wouldn't want to talk to it again, anyway.  Its such a
        limited and boring device, really."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
On the bridge of the Enterprise.......

Kirk: "Prepare to release tractor, Mr. Sulu.  Scotty, prepare to
        give me 150% on phasers at my mark."
Scotty and Sulu: "Aye, sir."
Spock:  "Captain!  Sensor disturbance bearing 147mark12, moving in
        at warp 8."
Kirk: "Shields up, Mr. Sulu.  Enclose the Heart of Gold."
           "Mr. Checkov, arm all phasers and torpedoes.  Uhura, get
           me Beeblebrox."
Uhura:  "On channel, sir."
Kirk:  "Mr. Beeblebrox, we have a problem.  An unidentified craft
        is approaching, probably a cloaked Romulan.  They are hostile
        to us, and probably will be to you.  We are covering you with
        our shields, but may have to maneuver, so get ready."
Zaphod: "Ok, Kirk.  Hey, take it easy, you know? You look so
        stressed out.  See your engineer, he'll fix you up later(wink).
Kirk: "Kirk out." (snarls) "At least he's constant in or out of his
        own reality.  Helm, visual."lm, visual."

On the screen, we see a Romulan warbird (like the old series with
neater engines and a few different bumps) decloak and come bearing
down.

Uhura: "Sir.  The Romulan commander is hailing us.  On the screen."
Kirk:  "This is capt. James T Kirk of the Federation starship
        Enterprise.  We are on a peaceful mission.  Identify."
Rom commander: "We are aware of who YOU are, captain.  The Romulan
        Empire claims this far sector and demands you and that small
        civilian craft leave at once. This is your one and final
        warning, you have five minutes."(hangs up)
Zaphod (on screen) "What a downer of a baddie, captain!  You're
        right about them.  They have a severe attitude problem.  You
        going to let them walk all over you?"
Kirk: "What do you suggest?  I can't fight him AND protect your
        ship."
Zaphod: "Let Marvin speak to his computers, he'll explain the
        situation and they'll let us go, trust me!" (cuts off picture)
Kirk: "No, wait..." "Damn him, we'll be lucky if they don't open
        up on us all now."
Spock: "I think not captain, I monitor a high speed data-link now
        between the two ships.  I believe you should look at the ships.
        On screen."

Screen shows the Romulan ship wobbling and turning on and off all
lights, a stray disruptor beam stabs harmlessly into the darkness.
Uhura: "Sir, more communications from the Romulans."
Kirk: "Patch them through. <chuckle>"
Romulan #2: "This is Subcommander Thrang of the Romulan Emire ship
        Audacious Dragon.  Our commander is...ill from dealing with
        our ship's computers.  Be warned that if you come this way
        again...we'll be back."
On the tactical display, the Romulan ship moves away under impulse
power, cloaking and decloaking, wobbling and farting its way back
to the Empire.

Zaphod: "How's that Kirk?  Not bad if I do say so.  Marvin may be
        a pesty appliance, but he has his uses!"
Marvin:(in backround) "Really, now I'm an appliance. How droll."
Kirk:  "Thanks, Beeblebrox.  Lets get you home. Sulu, disengage
     tractor, lower shields.  Zaphod, head out straight ahead.."
Spock: " 50 kilometers"
Kirk: "50 Kilometers and hold.  When the rift opens, go through.
        Good luck, it was a pleasure, I think."e, I think
Zaphod: "Thanks, man, ditto."
Ford: "Say goodbye to ensign Hastings for me, will you?"
Kirk: "Uh, sure."
================================================================
The Heart of Gold moves away and holds at the preset postition.
The big E moves in ....

Spock: "Have a target lock on matrix rift, sir. Feeding to weapons
        control now."
Kirk: "All power to phaser banks, Mr. Scott."
Scott: (from Engineering) "Aye, sir.  Make it the first shot, those
        kina power levels 'll bust a crystal for sure if we have ta
        do it again."
Kirk: "So noted.  When you're ready, Mr. Spock."
Spock: "Minimum resonance coming up in 10 seconds... mark."
    9....8....7....6....5....4...3...2...1..now!"

In a super cool burst of special effects, a powerful phaser beam
strikes a point a few hundred meters from the Heart of Gold.  The
beam gets absorbed by something and a hole shimmers in the energy
flux.  The Heart slowly glides on through, over the speakers we
can hear Zaphod saying 'hang ten, cowabunga!' as he pilots the ship
into the rift.  There is a blinding flash and a crackle of energy,
then they are gone.

Kirk: "Well, that's that!"
Spock: "Sensors detect a small mass left over, sir.  It appears to
        be plasticellulose film, like from our ship's document generator."
Kirk: "Beam it in.  How come there wasn't a burst of Tribbles or
        something like when they came in?"
Spock: "That was a byproduct of their improbability drive shorting
        out as it entered our universe.  I don't know what the document
        is, however."

Generic crewman: (from transporter room) "Transporter room here.
        The object is a copy of the "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
        trilogy/quadrilogy(?).  Looks like it was made here on the
        ship, sir."
Kirk: "How did they get one?"
Spock: "I believe Mr. Prefect mentioned one ensign Hastings. I
        suggest she may know where it came from.  Apparently the laws
        of their universe prohibit solid information from its origin
        universe from going in.  I wonder if they'll even remember
        this whole episode."
Kirk: "I know I will.  Next time I sit down to read, I'll call up
        an old 'skin mag' from the late 20th century.  That kind of
        action I can handle, heh, heh."

Next: the unsatifying epilogue.....


  On the bridge, as the rift closes and things return to 'norm'

(Kirk exits the bridge)

Spock: "Skin mag?"
Sulu:  "2-d images of nudes, Mr. Spock.  They used to be considered
        offensive in that era.  Now that the majority of people aren't
        suppressed sexually, they don't exist."
Checkov: "Vat about that holoporn ve saw in the rec dec?"
Sulu:  "Ah, that's 3-d,... and educational."
Checkov: "That's a good one, Sulu."
Spock: "I'm sorry I asked.  Set course 304mark9, warp 6."
Sulu: "Aye."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Kirk kicks back in his room.
Kirk:  "Computer."
Computer: "Working."
Kirk:  "How are your systems?"
Computer: "Nominal function, error correction routines online."
Kirk:  "The alien robot didn't do any damage,then?"
Computer: "Negative.  But he did bore me to tears, Jim.  Thanks
        for asking, hon."
Kirk: "Computer off."  (thinking:) 'At least she's not as annoying
        as that Marvin character.  I think I'll take Scotty up on his
        offer.  Pan-Galactic what?  Oh yeah, in the book.  I'm looking
        forward to this one.  I hope Bones has plenty of hangover
        helper around, we might need it.'

Kirk leaves and goes in search of something to blast his brain.


@3------------------------ Epilogue ---------------------------------
@1The Heart of Gold appears in their universe, but all anyone can
remember is a bad hyperspace pothole.  Except Marvin, but he's
keeping it to himself, as no one has asked.  Ford and Arthur have
unexplainable aftertastes, Zaphod finds a bottle of Scotch in his
hand.  The only other mystery left Arthur will ponder in a few
hours when the ship somehow manages to make a good cup of tea.
@3===========================  finis.   =============================